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11th June Show
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Edith
10:25
Joe reached out his hand to wipe the dust.
Guest
10:26
I opened a book in it was a picture of a black and white girl I turned around Is
Mrs D
10:26
Jamie  Cams Lane Primary - Fantastic starter - you've hooked me in! I want to know what happened next.
Igor (Thorntree Primary School)
10:26
Confused the man looked around and saw that there was something underneath the statue.
Olivia st. Teresa’s
10:26
Mia was walking home from the super market and saw a old antique shop. It was her mother’s birthday in three days and she would like that bracelet in the window.
Harry Summerfeilds
10:26
He arrived in the picture curious to what was going to happen.The grass was soft and the sky was without a cloud.
Ava -SwW
10:26
The ruby red stools stood new looking different and unwelcomed.
Neve leh
10:26
My fingers curled around it and a shiver ran down my spine.
Sachin-Warren Road
10:26
I managed to stand up, but soon my wobbling legs gave in. I fell head first, and prepared to live in the desert....
Lucas Mici Newland St Johns
10:26
There  was  a scarlet red  stool right outside the shop
Krista
10:26
The thing on the desk was too suspicious too different ...Then she reached out to investigate why the conelel had this object.
Mr Headley Delves
10:26
Hi George, I like the 'twig entwined with weeds and ivy'.  How did you know that the world was 'magical'?
Devon
10:26
Alice- that is very dramatic!
Oakleigh Summerfields
10:26
He was sent to the Kingdom, Tom was amazed. There were building balanced on clouds. He couldn't believe his eyes.
Rosie SwW
10:26
Rosie glared at the flapping parrot happily.
Caroline
10:26
Cautiously, she reached out to grab it...
Mrs Kilgour
10:26
Phoebe - use a semi-colon between 'it wasn't dirt; it was ashes'. These are two separate sentences and it will add emphasis to your second part.
Bethan from Warren Road
10:26
I peered around the corner. An elegant crystal rested on an antique stool. Should I touch it? No. I touched it anyway - I couldn't stop myself. As soon as my fingertips came into contact, an electric current zapped through my body and before I new it, I wasn't in the shop anymore. My hand began to hurt. I looked down. It was burnt where I had touched the crystal. I probably shouldn't have touched it.
Mrs Murrin
10:26
Izzy, could you use a different word rather than went?
Mrs. B NSJ
10:26
I love the idea of a book opening itself Rayah!
Sophia LEH
10:26
The extraudinary world was bracing around her .
Mrs Smith
10:26
Rebecca, I love the use of the word warily. I wonder if you could use an adverb to describe how she opened the box.
Mrs Davison
10:26
Isla - I loved your opening, so dramatic, I am on the edge of my seat!
Rebecca From Bunel Class
10:26
Fell in immediately was tossed round and round then it... stopped, ever suddenly.
Eden, Summerfields
10:26
Jessie brushed her finger along the smooth surface of the sapphire and was teleported into somewhere she had never seen before.
Amelia-Grange park primary
10:26
Inside the shop, it was cluttered and stuffy. However, I couldn't leave. I felt a tinge of magic among the junk that nobody wanted.
Lucas Boothman
10:27
I saw a greenish y shaped tree bending down to look like a portal in the shop backyard and before I could question what it was a man said in a deep accent "wut are yo doin ere young man?" I looked at him to see one of his eyes was a marble with a red camera-like middle. It fell out and he didn't seem to notice. He just... stared. I darted down and snagged it up. I felt a jolt of electricity through my fingertips and my mind told me to leg it for the tree. I did and it transported me to a land of... MONSTERS!!!!
Sean
10:27
I saw the small box in the dark back corner. I touched it and bang! I was gone. Then I was in front of a pyramid.
Ms McCarron
10:27
Oliver-fabulous vocabulary here with strong verb choices. Well done!
Eleanor
10:27
Helen noticed a fiery red glow coming from a drawer displayed in one of the shop windows. She walked over, opened the draw and inside was a map. The strange thing about this map was it was hot and cold, wet and dry.
Ava
10:27
I glared at a glass door and it glowed .
Mr Simpson Summerfields
10:27
Kailen - I like the idea of shiny in the description of a metal object - good vocabulary choice for cohesion.
Emily, Manor field
10:27
Suddenly, there was a blinding white flash and everything went dark.
Melody - Summerfields
10:27
Tilly noticed the old book with torn pages and a faded cover, she touched it and she got sucked into a strange portal....
Evie
10:27
I slowly walked over. I touched it and the room instantly shook. Then, I was in the water. Breathing. With a tail!
Mrs Sawyer
10:27
Eden - I like the verb brushed.  It tells you a lot about how she's feeling.
Mrs Davison
10:28
Bethany - I like the way you linked back, how she looked back down and the bowl was still in her hands. I also liked the link; it had a snowflake motif, as if she should have known!
Mr Simpson Summerfields
10:28
The grass was soft and the sky was without a cloud - Harry - I like how you've used a pair of descriptions - underneath and overhead the character.
Mrs Kilgour
10:28
Eden - instead of telling the reader that she was 'teleported', can you show them by having her suddenly surprised by her new surroundings. Then, maybe you can reveal that she must have been teleported with a rhetorical question, e.g. 'Had she been teleported?'
Mrs Smith, Malorees
10:28
Eleanor, I like 'fiery red glow' it indicates something magical and unusual is happening.
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