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13th May Show
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Jack
5:17
A week later she threw the box in the bin but then something peeped out.
Niamh H
5:18
Seren slowly peeled the paper away.
keerat
5:18
Seren waited long enough and opened the mysterious package and saw... and saw.
Emily,10
5:18
As the parcel crumpled in her hands, dark smoke engulfed the rickety platform.
Mrs Collins South Kilvington
5:18
The train would be arriving any minute. She had to make a decision what to do. Should she abandon the parcel and pretend she had nothing to do with it? Or should she take it with her?
Louis SWW
5:18
Peering around, she undid the knot...
Maggie SWW
5:18
Unexpectedly, the ribbon on the parcel untied itself, as if it wanted to be opened.
Mrs James
5:18
Jacob you are more than welcome.
Abigail northmead
5:18
Quickly, she threw the parcel in the black tall bin by the door and jumped on the train .
frank
5:18
seren grabbed the parcel but then it began to shake.
Olivia N
5:18
Seren quickly looked around the station, suddenly she herd another noise from the parcel.
Isla
5:18
All of a sudden Seren heard one of the floorboards creek...she looked behind her and saw yellow eyes glaring at her...
Mrs James
5:19
Isla, your sentence is quite scary.  Could you reveal the yellow eyes slowly to build even more tension?
Edith
5:19
Suddenly people started pouring into the station.
Dean Binnie
5:19
Seren ran to the train wondering what was in the box.
David STBernaddetts
5:19
with curiosity, seren took the parcel into her hands wondering what can be inside
George Llandogo
5:19
Seren jumped under the waiting bench for protection as pieces of concrete rained down.
Annabel Lowe Rivelin School
5:19
Please tell me what she should do!!!!!!!!!!
Arthur
5:19
The train rattled down the tracks, steam spouting in clouds from it's funnel.
Mrs James
5:20
Abigail, you have written two ideas in one sentence.  Could you focus on one point at a time?  This helps keep the reader interested.
Sachi
5:20
Seren grasped the package to her chest, wondering if she should open it.She was about to peel the corner off when she heard it; a train was coming.She moved back just in time, then, she made up her mind, she was going to open the package.She took a deep breath then began to peel back the corners, first top corner then the bottom, what she saw was unbelievable, she just could not believe it...
Isla
5:20
Ok, I'll work on that.
Seb F
5:20
She ran down the hall and threw the parcel onto the kitchen table. She was frightened and not sure if she should open it.
Niamh H
5:20
She only wanted a little look. But curiosity got the better of her. She ripped the paper away, and couldn't believe what she saw...
Jamie Thornton
5:20
Seren wonders up and down the creaking platform, and finds a bright red box siting in-front of her.Then she heard then steam train chugging towards her... would she get on or stay with this mysterious box? She chose to stay. As she saw the top shake her body grew with fear and she stepped back in horror when she found out what it was.
Shreesha
5:20
Suddenly a large man came over to him, sat on the parcel without any reason, Seren stayed. Minutes later the man stood and ran away, luckily he didn't take the parcel. Seren took, he was surprised by the fact there was actually a magic word written on it, Aaaaeeeeeooooooohhheee!!!
St Vincent's School, Hull
5:20
goosebumps ran up her arms like spiders as her eyes stared in disbelief at... a box! A box that was mysteriously ticking like a clock.
Ted
5:20
As slow as a snail, she began to open the mysterious parcel.
Emily,10
5:20
She fell backwards into the smoke, grasping the first thing she felt.
Olivia
5:20
As Seren turned round with the package sitting on the bench she suddenly heard a noise coming from the package...
Freya pensby primary school
5:20
Suddenly a quiet noise caught Seren’s attention. A horn beeped. It gradually got louder and louder! Scarier and scarier.
Josh & Evie
5:20
As soon as the bow was untied, the box started to tremble.
Mrs James
5:20
Ted, I like the simile that you have included.  It links to the game we played earlier.
5:21
Josh and Evie by adding a bow to the box, you help to paint a clear picture of what the box looks like.  Well done.
Abigail northmead
5:22
She went and sat on a set near the door suddenly she turned and saw the parcel on the set next to her.
Pie
5:22
Reread all your sentences together as you write so that they flow from one to the other - you are now building a paragraph.
Emma B
5:22
Seren decided to open it, slowly she peeled the corner of the package and inside was something unbelievable...….
George Llandogo
5:22
What she had done was she had thrown the parcel onto the railway just as it exploded and ran for cover.
Shreesha
5:22
Seren took the parcel home.
Sachi
5:22
Replying to Annabel Lowe: maybe at that moment she could see people in the station?
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