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Sacred Heart Chorley
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Charlotte and Holly
2:09
The moon was as bright as the flames in the house.
Ashleigh and Haydar
2:09
We could also hear the fox running in the moonlight
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:10
Ashleigh and Haydar - Did you see it? Describe it as it flashed across your path.
Harvey+Amelia:)
2:10
Chirping, could be another word for tweeting.
Ashleigh and Haydar
2:10
We could hear the birds tweeting
Lilymae and Piotr
2:10
When I touched the dark damp wall i5 felt
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:10
Lilymae and Piotr - You are making this sound peaceful, that's great if you are making your reader think all is calm. Now change the tone of your writing. Make the reader feel worried.
Kieran and Owen
2:11
The young girl stood underneath the dark, gloomy tunnel with one old, flickering light, dangling from the ceiling.
Lily-jo and Jessica:)
2:11
As you walk through the spooky,dark tunnel you could see a young shadow the gir didn’t know we was here
Charlotte and Holly
2:11
In the dark tunnel a young small girl stood quietly in the distance.
Harvey+Amelia:)
2:11
In a tunnel, I could see my enemy standing with a gun.
Bobby,Lucas S
2:11
The horrifying girl, limping through the creepy, damp tunnel as she screams in horror.
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:12
Harvey and Amelia - Don't tell the reader it's your enemy, describe the person in a way that makes your readers think that this could be an enemy.
Lilymae and Piotr
2:12
Thank you Mr Mitchell
Ashleigh and Haydar
2:12
The young girl couldn’t see me but I could see her, and I could hear the water dripping from the walls.
Lydia and Nathan
2:12
As the petrified,young girl stood in the wet,damp tunnel Mrs.Collings was creeping behind her.
Daniel and Saverio
2:12
The young girl, was scared in the big, damp tunnel.
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:13
Daniel and Saverio - Can you think of a better word for 'big'?
Harvey+Amelia:)
2:13
The Perculiar looking girl was standing with a gun facing away from me.
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:14
Harvey and Amelia - I love the word peculiar! Don't tell the reader just yet is was a gun. You could say that she was holding something in her hand first. What could it be? A rhetorical question could work there.
Isabella and Eva
2:14
The younge, small girl, limped through the damp, dark tunnel, you could hear people screaming!
LucasM and John
2:14
There is a shimmer on the wall. You can hear footsteps getting fainter and fainter. You can also hear small drops falling onto the wall. Then, the girl, who has a doll face and a gun, turned around and pointed the gun at you!
Charlotte and Holly
2:14
The young girl stood still as she screamed in horror !
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:14
Charlotte and Holly - How do that make you feel?
Bobby,Lucas S
2:14
The girl shouts for her mum and her voice echos through the long,pitch black tunnel
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:15
Isabelle and Eva - How did that make you feel?
Daniel and Saverio
2:17
Yes, we thought of a better word for big, huge.
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:17
Daniel and Saverio - That works much better! Well done!
Lilymae and Piotr
2:17
The creepy girl which was walking through the damp dark bridge,was feeling the damp wall which was full with leaking pipes
Lily-jo and Jessica
2:17
As you walk through the spooky , dark tunnel you would see a young petrified girl standing there as we creeped behind her.
Isabella and Eva
2:17
It made me feel quite scared because you could hear people screaming when your walking through the tunnel, about to come out, you could hear screaming!
Harvey+Amelia:)
2:17
Right in front of me was a young Girl, holding something in her hand. I ran away feeling horrified.
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:18
Harvey and Amelia - That is SO MUCH better!!
Ashleigh and Haydar
2:18
The smashed walls looked like a map
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:18
Ashleigh and Haydar - What kind of map?
Bobby,Lucas S
2:18
When my friend walked into the abondened building he took a deep breath through his nose and gaged
Charlotte and Holly
2:18
The scary, abandoned house was as dark as the night sky .
AvatarDavid Mitchell
2:19
Charlotte and Holly - How did that make you feel?
Isabella and Eva
2:19
The white, doors, crecked when I opened them!
Ashleigh and Haydar
2:19
A pirate map is what it looked like
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